I DONATED A KIDNEY AND HAVE NOTHING LEFT TO PROVE
I donated a kidney, and have nothing left to prove.
When I was just six years old, my big sister Nancy (whom I adored, and still do) was diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes and Autoimmune Hepatitis (liver disease). She was just 15. A decade later she was also diagnosed with kidney disease. I remember thinking that if and when she would need a transplant, I wanted to be her donor.
That day came on November 29, 2019. The Abdominal Transplant Team at St. Luke’s in Milwaukee successfully oversaw the transplant of my right kidney into Nancy’s abdomen. While we have had our share of scary moments since then, Nancy is doing great.
In the weeks and days before the surgery, I often heard the comment, “You will bounce back so fast because you are in such good shape.” I had no reason to think otherwise. A month before the surgery I had completed my eleventh marathon, capping off a year when I had also run my first ultra. I envisioned coming out of surgery feeling little pain, recovering for a couple of weeks at home, and then showing the world how badass I was by getting back to my version of “fit” in no time at all. I was going to blog about it and document my workouts on social media. How cool would it be for a running coach, personal trainer, and nutrition coach to prove herself after such a major surgery, right?
My experience was so different. It’s 10 weeks later, and I’m still having a difficult time properly capturing my feelings in words. I did my best one evening, to share with Nancy how I was feeling. I messaged her the following... (Open book, here.)
Nanc,
Consider this a little bit like the handwritten notes I used to send you when you went away to college. I’ve finally found the words I’ve been trying really hard to voice.
My whole life I would go the extra mile to get approval. I did it by losing weight or dressing well, or getting good grades, or being good at sports, or getting married young, or starting my own business, or running marathons, or raising the most money for charities. I searched and searched and searched for new ways to feel validated.
I always knew since I was little that if you needed a transplant I would donate in a heart beat. When you needed a kidney I wanted to “win” and be your chosen donor. And for much of the testing that is what I felt like I was doing- winning. And then when the surgery day came along, and I came out of anesthesia, I cried and cried when they told me how well you were doing. And God knows - and so do you - how much I cried when I needed to leave you at that hospital! It wasn’t about winning anymore, it was so much more.
In the last 5 weeks I’ve cried, but in a good way, I’ve felt nothing but love and acceptance. Oddly, not from others. I feel like maybe I have finally accepted myself. I don’t judge myself by what my stomach looks like post-surgery or how I run (or fail trying). I think of how we went through this and how blessed we are that we could. I feel more calm and peaceful than I have in a long time.
Many people on the outside say things like “What a gift you gave to your sister,” or “You are so amazing for what you did.” What they don’t know is that while the kidney may have given you a new life, being able to be your donor may have very well saved mine.
It’s been very hard to explain to anyone so I haven’t tried. But I thought you should know it. Love you.
My point in sharing my heartfelt message to my sister and my experience following donation is this... Whatever shape you are in, whatever your circumstances, you are a valued, loved, wonderful human that should never feel the need to prove yourself. And it shouldn’t take you gifting an organ to find that out.
I continue to take small steps in my road back to “fit.” Running is hard but I’m doing it because I like it not because I’m trying to win anyone’s praise. My abs may never be the same but every time I see my scars I am so proud of my body and amazed by what it has gone through.
As we continue to step into the new year, my hope for everyone is that we find our value beyond our physical bodies, and discover new ways to share our unique gifts with the ones we love most.
If you’d like to follow Nancy and Karen’s continued journey, here is a link to a journal that is updated regularly!